To Anyone Who Has (Ever Had) A Toxic Co-Worker
Toxic co-workers. Looooong sigh. So much has been written about them. Unlike the “rising tide lifts all boats” idiom, toxicity puts leaks in all the boats and corrodes teams. I don’t mean people having strong disagreements, and in fact the ability to create spaces in which disagreements can be voiced and acknowledged is a sign of a healthy culture. Rather, these are the individuals whose destructive behaviors come from their obsession with power and control. Toxic people are addicts to these drugs, trying to fill a bottomless hole of emptiness and lacking. Of course, many toxic people are smart, so they’ve learned how to dress up their obsessions as altruisim and cover up their violence with pretty decorum. These are the individuals who need to hear their name revered, and who bully down and kiss up. No one truly likes them, not even them, because they are just, grim.
If you have struggled with or are struggling with someone like this, please read on. Because as truly corrosive as these individuals are, there is a way to neutralize the situation without placating. And don’t call me crazy but it’s even possible find joy in the process.
You can do this by leveraging the framework I use as a coach, and just as importantly for myself. It describes seven different energy levels that all people experience. The interesting thing is that most people experience any given energy level more by default than by choice. But if a person can learn to choose what level of energy they will engage in, that is true power. Toxic power is power over, the power to compel others. True power is about awareness and self-choice.
So here is a brief description of the seven different energy levels and an honest look at how they can relate to interactions with toxic individuals, or TI’s. And gradually, we’ll shift the focus to you and your choices.
Level 1: This is the energy level of powerlessness and victimhood. I get it, TI’s are miserable and they make misery. They excel at gaslighting and other techniques that constantly pitches themselves as the victim while you may feel manipulated and bewildered. No matter what you do or try, it appears that you’re powerless to change the situation. You feel worry, doubt, stress and even targeted. It’s a natural reaction, and it is exactly what the TI intends.
Level 2: This is the energy level of conflict and fight. TI’s have a lot of fight in them, and they excel at getting you to respond in kind. They see the world as a zero-sum gladiatorial game where the only outcome is winner and loser. And it’s easy to get sucked in to the fighting existence. It’s a constant battle just to be seen, heard and respected. And I see you, because I have spent a LOT of time defaulting to this energy level.
Level 3: This is the level of coping and compromise, of finding a “silver lining.” Sometimes, when dealing with TI’s, finding this energy level might be a temporary stopgap. Finding something, anything, to agree on at least allows some forward progress. On the downside, it doesn’t solve underlying issues, but overlooks them. It’s a lifeline, but it’s not sustainable to rely on this energy level for too long.
Level 4: This is the energy level of compassion and service. When you are in Level 4 energy, your tendency is to put others’ needs ahead of your own. When you are coming from a heart space, often your cup can be filled as you fill others. And so with TI’s, you may also pour your energy into loyalty and the good-sounding words they use like “collaboration.” But because TI’s have a poor understanding of respect or boundaries, you will find yourself in a very unbalanced situation, and may find yourself dropping down into Level 1 or Level 2 energy. Take some of that energy you use to help and uplift others, and spend some of that on yourself.
Level 5: This is the energy level of win-win. I acknowledge, this is quite a challenge to achieve with an individual who is not interested in a mutual win. Yet this win-win approach also includes the choice to see everything as an opportunity. So looking at it through the lens of opportunity, something like setting a firm boundary with a TI represents an opportunity for you to grow, and also represents an opportunity for the TI to have a new experience. What distinguishes this from the Level 2 energy is that you authentically see this as opportunity, and not revenge or putting someone in their place.
Level 6: This is the energy level of seeing everyone in the world as connected. It’s the energy level where you can access creativity and a flow state. In this state, the TI is no longer an individual problem, they are a connected piece of the big picture. Think about the last time you experienced flow. The feeling not just of ability and possibility, but that it’s all happening. It was beautiful. And maybe just maybe, there are opportunities to experience it elsewhere.
Level 7: This energy level is about being fully present, both of external and internal experience. At this level, it’s no longer about individuals, no longer about connection, but understanding that we are all one. And we are literally all the same. Trippy as it sounds, everything both animate and inanimate is 14 billion years old. The stardust that is us existed when the universe began, and it will exist until the universe ends (and who knows maybe longer, but I am not a time scientist).
Nothing in any of these energy levels obliges you to excuse or condone the behavior of TI’s. Nothing in any of these energy levels obliges you to diminish yourself. Instead, it is about using these energy levels so that ultimately you may experience more nourishment, growth, and clarity that comes from choice. If you’re interested in learning more, please reach out.
